While I was trying to get work done, I came up with...random XXXholic fic. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
Title: A Debt Repaid
Notes: Uh. Really, really OOC. You've been warned.
"Madam, this is ridiculous--"
"Pah! What do you think kekkai cost nowadays, you little brats? I need retribution for the magical wards, for clearing up the debris, for hiring workers--"
"What are you talking about?! You make me do all of the work!" Watanuki, decked in his kerchief and apron, shouted from an upstairs window.
Yuuko gave him a brief look and shook her head. Seishirou tapped his foot, sullenly. Nataku cocked its head up at Yuuko, studying her with childlike interest. Fuuma leered at Yuuko in a way that was specially formulated to make people uneasy and horny.
"I can see your wish..."
The dimensional witch looked at him with the regard one would give to a six-year-old insisting they were old enough to buy smokes. She then snickered and snapped her fingers.
"Ribbit?" Fuuma croaked. He blinked now-bulging eyes from behind too-big sunglasses.
"Don't piss off witches, kiddo," Yuuko explained. "Most people've read enough fairy tales to figure that one out."
"It's a good look, really," Seishirou added, mildly.
Fuuma scowled at Seishirou as best he could, currently being a frog. Nataku, unsure of what to make of this predicament, gently scooped her daddy up and held him in her hands.
"Now that's settled." Yuuko put on a serious look and leaned in close to Fuuma's froggy face. "We need to discuss your charges."
"Charges?!" Fuuma croaked. "But I'm--ribbit!--the antichrist!"
"And I was briefly the Queen of France," Yuuko retorted. "And I was then, as I am now, the Witch of Dimensions. I win."
Fuuma sulked. "It was Seishirou's--ribbit!--energy blast..."
"I have to disagree, your Toadliness," Seishirou replied. "You sensed a kekkai, and you decided to attack it."
"And you were the one who decided that it would be--ribbit!--fun to smash it up with an illusionary--ribbit!--baseball!" A webby hand was waved accusingly with the statement.
"What is baseball?" asked Nataku.
"To expedite the situation, all of you are gonna pay me," Yuuko interrupted, poking a finger at Fuuma's froggy nose.
A dramatic wave of billowing kimono sleeve, and Yuuko stood in front of Seishirou. She leaned in nose-to-nose, and appropriately relished his irritation at her invasion of his personal bubble.
"And so..." she said, mystically. "Your payment..."
The trio traipsed down the streets of Tokyo; a grim procession. All had paid a steep price for the broken kekkai:
Seishirou, with Volumes IV-X of his Subaru photo albums--all of them part of the Handcuff Collection; one of Seishirou's favorites. He was putting out enough smoke for a factory to accompany his sulk.
Nataku had been slightly more difficult. After a few minutes of poking and frowning, and a brief mumbling about possibly needing a new dressmaker's dummy, Yuuko proclaimed her price to be community service--that is, doing inventory in her treasure room until its completion or the End of the World; whichever came first.
Fuuma was taking his loss extremely hard.
"...o-our love--ribbit!--..." he croaked, mournfully. "It could have finally come to--ribbit!--fruition..."
"That stuffed toy is hardly a loss," Seishirou grumbled, lighting up his umpteenth cigarette. "My albums were one-of-a-kind...it'll take months to convince Subaru-kun to pose again..."
Fuuma declined listening in favor of croaking out a doleful tune. Seishirou scowled at him.
"And I won't take orders from a frog, Kamui or not." He exhaled a long stream of smoke. "How are we to turn you back?"
"We can find a princess," Nataku said, helpfully. "Daddy read me stories about princesses helping frogs."
"FOREVER LOVE!--ribbit!--FOREVER DREAM!" Fuuma howled.
Seishirou pondered this suggestion. An eyebrow rose from behind his sunglasses.
Kamui answered the knock at the door, though he wished he hadn't.
Nataku shoved Fuuma up to Kamui's eye level. Fuuma leered a leery leer.
"Kiss me," demanded he.
Kamui blinked. "...Fuuma?"
"Kamui, actually. Kiss me!--ribbit!--"
Kamui poked his froggy nose with a shaking finger.
"...you're a frog."
"If you kiss me, I won't be one for much longer. So do it."
Kamui considered this.
"...if you change back, you'll just go back to destroying Tokyo." He smirked. "So, I don't think so."
Fuuma choked on froggy rage. "What?!"
"You heard me!" Kamui said, snippily.
Subaru peered from around a corner. "Is everything all right out there--"
He caught sight of Seishirou and choked. Seishirou smiled seductively.
"Subaru-kun," he purred. "There's a camera and a pair of handcuffs with your name on them back at my apartment."
Fuuma gasped and pointed behind Kamui frantically. "Look! Bigfoot and Elvis are destroying a kekkai with UFO lasers!"
Kamui turned out of sheer confusion; Fuuma took this opportunity to lunge onto Kamui's face.
A poof and a puff of glitter indicated that Fuuma had claimed his kiss. He sat back on his hands, satisfied. For Kamui's part, he made a great show of spitting, gagging, and wiping his mouth on his school shirt.
Subaru shrugged on his coat and linked his arm with Seishirou's. With the other, he waved to Kamui. "I'm going out. Play safe, you two!"
"...and they all lived happily ever after!" finished Mokona, shutting the book.
"That was a wonderful bedtime story!" Fai declared.
"I didn't get it..." Sakura mumbled, sleepily. "What is baseball?"
"I'm sure we can figure that out tomorrow," yawned Syaoran.
"Zzzzzzz," snored Kurogane.
Fai smiled and pressed a smacking kiss onto the ninja's forehead. "I bet Kuro-wan liked your story too, Mokona."
Mokona followed Fai's example. Kurogane gurgled slightly.
"Mokona hopes so! It's an excerpt from Yuuko's memoirs, and we got an advance copy in exchange for some rave reviews!"
"We can get those done tomorrow, too." Syaoran curled next to Sakura's sleeping form. "Let's get some sleep."
Here're some TOP REVIEWS for the bestselling sensation, Memoirs of a Dimensional Witch!
"Uh. I guess you'll like it, if you like that sort of thing..."
"Nobody explained to me what baseball is yet."
- Princess Sakura
"Sakura-chan is just so adorable when she's confused! Oh...I feel faint from bliss..."
- Tomoyo Daidouji
"That lousy bitch is writing novels now?! ...no, I don't want to read it!"
- Kurogane P. Ninja
"Aww, Kuro-pii's just shy! He wouldn't sleep until I told him what happened to the unicorns of Rainbow Valley!"
- Fai D. Flowright
"SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH."
- Kurogane P. Ninja
"Mokona gives it four paws up!"
- Mokona Modoki
"You would, you little--"
- Kurogane P. Ninja
"I couldn't put it down! ...no, no, I really couldn't put it down! That witch hexed it so it would stick to my hands until I finished it!"
- Watanuki Kimihiro
"A++ would read again."
- Eriol Hiiragizawa
"GET OUT OF MY REVIEWS, YOU."
- Yuuko Ichihara
"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
- Seishirou Sakurazuka
"You'll be half-reduced to tears, then a quarter reduced to amazement, then an eighth reduced to intestinal pain, then the other eighth completely stuck to the pages! Where's my crowbar?"
- Sorata Arisugawa
"I'll get the crowbar. You're not to be trusted with that thing."
- Arashi Kishuu-Arisugawa
"Kyaa! My honey looks like an Amazoness warrior; wielding a crowbar! Oh...I feel faint from bliss..."
- Sorata Arisugawa
Join us next week, when our featured book is My Life as an Indentured Servant: Memoirs of a Survivor, by Watanuki Kimihiro!
Over and out.