Title: The Job Memo That Never Was
Characters: Orgynization XIII, with brief cameoes.
Summary: The Organization members take up part-time jobs to help offset costs. Antics ensue.
A message on the Whiteboard That Never Was (centrally located in the Employee Lounge That Never Was):
MOST ESTEEMED AND CHOSEN MEMBERS OF OUR NOBLE CAUSE.
The time of Reckoning draws ever nearer. Our Kingdom Hearts grows ever closer to its full might. Its light shall pour down upon our Empty souls and make us Complete; Noble Complete Beings with Godlike Power and Wisdom. Ah, yes. It is only through this Kingdom Hearts shall we reach the Full Godlike Noble Power and Wisdom that the Power of Kingdom Hearts' Darkness will provide through the Hearts that we continue to Feed and Nurture it with. I share with you a Haiku that I have written on the subject of the Coming Promised Day:
Bearers of Keyblade
Free the Hearts of Heartless countless
When we have been made into Chosen, Noble Godlike Creatures of Infinite Power and Wisdom, we need not concern ourselves with the Oppressive rhyme scheme of the Haiku. Know this and look in Awe and Wonder.
A Cause as Noble as ours does not come without its Setbacks, however. While the suggestion of the Recording of adult video tapes and the selling thereof has made Not Unnoticed revenue, as our Noble Progress draws into its Final Stages we are in need of Much More.
It is thus your Duty as a Member of this Noble Cause to Obtain Such by Any means necessary. I, in my Wisdom, have composed some suggestions...
"'Not Unnoticed revenue,' psh..." Axel grumbled. "I know for a fact that my idea bought him that new leather office set..."
He snagged a marker and began to replace each occurrence of "Noble" in Xemnas' memo with "Mansex." Demyx peered over his shoulder curiously, reading some of the suggestions aloud.
"Hmm, Lemonade Stand That Never Was...eBay...prostitution..."
"Wonder how much we could get from selling off Thirteen..." Xigbar pondered (while upside-down) as Roxas wandered over to see what the fuss was. The hem of Xigbar's coat was then, very suddenly, on fire.
"I like lemonade," Xaldin mumbled under his breath.
"...novel-writing...editor and creative consultant for Superior's haiku...pop music idol?" Demyx bounced up and down in his spot. "I claim that one! I'll go get my music and tuning stuff and--"
In the process of dashing away from the crowd to obtain said items, Demyx crashed headlong into Xigbar (who had abandoned his stylish flouting of gravity in favor of hopping around like a headless chicken, trying to put out his cloak). The force of said impact caused him to topple backward into Roxas--Roxas, being above all else short, made the perfect stumbling block to cause them both to tumble backwards in a head-over-heels turn before the stunt ceased with an abrupt meeting of the wall.
"Whoo! Dogpile!" crowed Axel, bellyflopping on top of the heap.
"Oof!" Demyx tried to get air back into his lungs, then coughed and smiled sheepishly at the growling pile of trenchcoat under him. "...eheh, sorry, Roxas..."
"...deeeeeath..." Roxas hissed out.
"Aww, isn't he precious?" Axel reached down to pinch Roxas' cheek, ended up pinching something that exactly wasn't Roxas' cheek, and nearly lost a finger. "A bit bitey, though."
Demyx wriggled expertly out of the pile--"expertly" being "expertly for Demyx," meaning that he managed to not break anything in the process of getting out and dashing down the halls to his room. Axel kicked up his feet and lounged on his new Roxas-pillow. Said pillow gave an ominous growl.
"Well, shorty," Axel said. "Since Demyx has decided to pursue stardom, I guess that leaves you and me with reviewing the Superior's 'Noble' work--"
"I don't think it does, Eight," Saix said icily. He clutched the job slip for the editing position to his chest protectively. "I seem to be the only one here who properly appreciates the Superior's elegant prose, so I suggest that you select a different option."
Axel tapped a finger against his lips for a moment or two. "Whyyyy, Saix! I woulda never thought of combining editing and prostitution! I guess that's why you're all the way up there at number Seven and I'm just cold, lonely Eight..."
Saix sniffed dismissively and marched purposefully in the direction of Xemnas' quarters. Once he thought he was out of sight, he clutched the paper with both hands and sighed girlishly; then proceeded to skip the rest of the way.
"And they say we don't have hearts," Axel cooed. "I hope we're invited to the weddiIIIIIIIIING!"
Axel was thrown hard against the wall by a pulse of light energy. Roxas rose to his feet and, straightening his coat, coolly walked away from the scene. After a brief moment in a daze, Axel hacked up a lungful of plaster and, in two long strides, easily caught up with the boy.
"Hey, c'mon, I was only trying to make conversation and take every opportunity to mock Saix..." Axel entreated, stepping in front of Roxas. He gave his best puppy look. "Do you really want to leave me alone and cold in the cruel working world?"
"Yes." Roxas ducked between Axel's legs and continued his trek to his quarters.
Axel spun and made a lucky grab at Roxas' hood. Roxas slanted a glare over his shoulder.
"We could get our quota over and done with quicker if we work together," Axel added in an appeal to Roxas' practical side.
Roxas raised an eyebrow. "What makes you so sure? I doubt, somehow, that you have any ideas that don't involve standing on a streetcorner in fishnets."
Axel showed his teeth, a feral grin. "No fishnets, I assure you."
Axel ducked and rolled to avoid a ball of light expertly aimed at his head. "There aren't any fishnets--! OW!"
Roxas hobbled out of the dressing room while attempting to shimmy off his shoe to throw at Axel. He was dressed in an adorable French maid ensemble. Axel was particularly fond of the garters; lacey and adorned with key-shaped charms, they set off Roxas' ass quite nicely--this train of thought was interrupted by a shoe. He frowned and rubbed his forehead.
"C'mon, we just need to keep the café open until we've got enough cash to take back, then we can close up shop!"
Roxas gave him a withering glare. "Do you really expect me to wait tables, let alone dressed like this?"
Axel adjusted the bow-tie on his waiter ensemble. He'd made sacrifices for the cause--bow-ties made his neck itch--so it wouldn't hurt Roxas to do the same.
"Roxaaaaas, it's only for a few hours!"
"Whining won't make me do it."
Axel grinned deviously. "How about free ice cream?"
Roxas thought this over, then shrugged. "...okay, sure."
Demyx shrieked and toppled over his dresser in an attempt to hide behind it. The tiny fairy who had greeted him giggled.
"Scared ya, didn't I?" She pumped her arms up triumphantly. "No human, Heartless, or Nobody is big enough to escape my power!"
Demyx peeked one terrified eye over the top of the dresser. "...pleasedon'thurtme..."
The fairy sighed dramatically. "Geez. If we're gonna be your fairy god-aunties, you're gonna have to toughen up!"
Demyx blinked, confused, as he slid back behind the dresser once more. "...fairy god-aunties? And 'we'? Does that mean there are more of you?" he whimpered. "...and I'm plenty tough..."
Another fairy, dressed in menacing-looking black leather, poofed in. She snorted dismissively. "I somehow doubt that..."
A third fairy poofed in front of the other two, hands on hips. "Now, now, he's got plenty reason to be scared..." she scolded. "We're serious business! And haven't even introduced ourselves properly yet."
The original fairy gasped. "You're right! Formation 6-A, girls!"
The three struck a pose; one that seemed to say that the fairies solved mysteries for a guy named Charlie in their free time. The roll was called:
"And we're your fairy god-aunties!" they announced, in unison.
Though he whimpered out a weak "hello," Demyx stayed firmly rooted to his hiding spot. Rikku sighed dramatically and fluttered over to flop on his head.
"Geeeeez...you could at least be a little more enthusiastic. We've come here to give you a hand, y'know!"
Demyx peered up at her. "A hand...? Why?"
Paine swooped in to sit on the edge of the dresser, and let out a huff of laughter. "Do you really think you're going to be able to raise all that money yourself?"
"..." Demyx had a vague plan of the path to his superstardom.
Step one: Play sitar.
Step two: ???
Step three: Profit!
He was currently having trouble with step one, since he couldn't find his sheet music for "Freebird." Yuna settled demurely at Demyx's side and patted his knee sympathetically.
"That's why we've come to help," she said, seeming to read his mind.
"And get ten percent of general profits and forty of t-shirt sales!" Rikku added.
Demyx furrowed his eyebrows. "But...wait, wait, since when do I have fairy god-aunties? I never knew a Nobody could even have one, let alone three..."
Paine shrugged. "Take it up with the Powers That Be, not us."
Demyx blinked. "Whozzat?"
"Disney and Square-Enix. Who else?" The fourth wall lay in tatters.
Yuna twirled around, sparkles gathering about her hands--a small sphere materialized in front of Demyx's nose. He stared at it uneasily. The sparkles and shiny bubbles surrounding it were somehow ominous.
"What is it?"
Yuna giggled. "We call it a dressphere! This one might give you a little help with your musical career..."
Demyx definitely didn't like how Rikku started giggling, or how Paine seemed to be hiding a smirk. He did know, however, that the sooner he took the sphere the sooner the freaky girls would leave him alone.
"...thank you?" He offered a shaky smile.
Yuna fluttered up to kiss his nose. "We're just happy to help!"
Rikku rolled around in his hair playfully. "Aaaaaand to get ten percent of general profits and forty of t-shirt sales--!"
"And to get back home in time to watch the Golden Girls marathon," Paine reminded.
Yuna and Rikku leapt up to Paine frantically. "Oh no, you're right! We'll miss the opening for sure! Formation 8-B!"
Another pose, and the three poofed themselves out of sight. Demyx sighed in relief, and gazed at the sphere. He poked it with a hesitant finger, and it fell with a soft thud to his lap.
...he supposed it couldn't hurt to try...
Larxene dusted off her hands and peered around. "Marluxia? I just got done with the last of the customers; are you finished with stock?"
"Numnumnumnum," burbled the man-eating plant that Larxene had just satisfied with a customer.
"Sho kyuuuute," Larxene cooed, tickling it under its chin. "Iddums wike her num-nums?"
"Iddums" burped up a partially digested hand.
"Aww, tum-tum troubles." Larxene patted its head comfortingly.
Marluxia entered the room; an overblown affair with sparkles and rose petals. He dusted off his manly pink gardening apron and looked about the room regally--his floral subjects turned their faces to him; their only sun.
"I..." he began, radiating majesty and sparkles. "...have replenished the fertilizing supplies."
Larxene went cross-eyed to glare at the sparkle that landed on her nose. "Have we reached quota yet?"
Marluxia tapped a bent finger to his chin and chuckled. "Patience is key to our plans--OW."
Marluxia scowled at the knife now lodged in his chest. Larxene toyed with another, her eyebrow twitching slightly.
"While I normally love feeding morons to your posies, I'm getting a little tired of playing 'shop.'"
Marluxia yanked the knife out of his chest with a sickening squelch. His sparkles buzzed angrily around his head. "They're not posies," he replied, snippy. "And we're hardly playing. If you don't recall, Larxene, we need more capital than our assigned quota if our future plans are going to come to fruition--"
"Numnumnumnum..." commented the plant that chewed on Marluxia's hair.
Marluxia was frozen in shock for but a moment. Then came the howl--inhuman, empty and full of boundless sorrow at the same time. It went on until he swooned and fell to a dead faint on the floor. Larxene gave the plant a high-five.
"'Just as a mouse/with a cookie, so are we/with darkness.'"
Saix burst into wild applause while Xemnas preened.
"Your poesy is truly amazing, Superior," he sighed fangirlishly. "How do you do it?"
Xemnas hmmed mysteriously. "One must never reveal one's creative secrets..."
He gazed at the white gleam of the heart-moon through the windows of his chamber, and puffed at his soap-bubble-pipe. Saix's sparkles rivaled Marluxia's. Xemnas made a tired chuckle, and bowed in acquiescence to Saix's request.
"I merely write the words that fail to shine through the prism of my nonexistent heart," he explained. "Their brilliance is therefore raw, untainted..."
He flipped through his mental thesaurus.
Saix swooned and settled his chin onto a plush pillow, his eyes pleading. "Read another, Superior?"
Xemnas preened further. "If you insist. 'Just as a moose/with a muffin...'"
A little girl stared up at the towering hulk of black leather that loomed above her. She clutched her doll tight, her lower lip trembling.
"...lemonade?" offered Xaldin. "Five munny."
The little girl dropped her fee into the munny cup, took her glass, and toddled off back to her village.
"...and that's all you gotta do."
"Cross my heart, kiddo. I give you the reference pics, you do your thing, we split the profits and get our quotas over and done with."
Xigbar produced a packet of photos from his jacket and handed them to the tiny girl. Naminé looked them over studiously.
"Doujinshi, kid, that's where the money is. Now, I got everyone in this here Organization in there aside from you and me, so all you have to do is think up some--whaddya call it--'slashy situations' to stick 'em all in. We throw 'em on eBay after that, and cha-ching!"
"Cha-ching," echoed Naminé, agreeably.
Xigbar offered his hand for a low-five, with Naminé still had to jump to accept. "So it's a deal! Now, I'm thinkin' that we start off with some action between Eight and Thirteen, then start stickin' in more from there..."
"Check and mate, mate." Jack scooped up the last of Luxord's munny from the table. "I fear you'll always remember this day as the day you almost won Captain Jack Sparrow's trousers."
Luxord glared daggers at Jack from under his hood. A few of his Gamblers, inexpertly disguised as bar patrons, hovered in the background to jump in if called. Many of them were not as well-prepared as Luxord would hope, as they had made the great discovery that while Nobodies had no hearts, rum still had the same effect as always.
"Might you be interested in a winner-take-all rematch," Luxord bit out, trying to keep his voice cool. "Captain."
Jack grinned wide and stuffed the munny securely into his pouch. "I feel I should retire undefeated. Wouldn't want to damage my reputation or my purse, should dear Lady Luck have had her eye caught by another gent."
"Are you quite sure?" Luxord pressed. He attempted to signal to one of his Gamblers to attack, but it seemed more interested in table-dancing to the cheers and claps of the other patrons.
"Oh, positive, mate." Jack rose to fetch his hat, and swept a bow before settling it atop his head. "I take my leave, brave challenger, and bid to you a good-night."
Luxord grit his teeth and gulped down the rest of his drink. His Gamblers stumbled over drunkenly with their pockets stuffed full of dancing tips. One gave a hiccup and passed out at his feet.
"We--hic!--have reached quota, my lieegeee--hic!--ligigigig...hic!...your majesty," slurred one, dumping out its pockets on Luxord's lap.
Luxord snapped his fingers; the tips all poured themselves into Luxord's purse for transport back to the headquarters. The passed-out Gambler made a pathetic gurgling noise.
"...don't think you've seen the last of me, Sparrow," Luxord grumbled, leading (and alternately dragging) his troops out of the bar.
"Oh, waiiiiiiitreeeeeess..." trilled Axel.
Roxas stomped over and glared at Axel. He puffed a limp ribbon out of his eye and straightened his frilly hairband with an impatient hand.
"Yes, boss?" he bit out.
Axel tsked. "Now, that's just what I need to talk to you about. Customers are saying that you're not being very friendly! We're losing business, kiddo."
Roxas tapped his foot impatiently. "We have more customers than ever out there," he said, with what he felt was great patience.
"Yes, but you see--walk with me." Axel slid his hand down to the small of Roxas' back and led him into the backroom. "You need to talk up the customers. Make 'em buy shit they don't need. Flash 'em some leg! Got it memorized?"
Roxas pondered this for a moment. He pinned Axel against the wall, hitched up his skirts to show just a hint of the skin above his garters, and breathed out:
"...will you buy me ice cream, mister?"
Axel's eyes glazed over. "Yes master..." He blinked and shook his head violently. "Egh--ugm. Exactly like that, yeah."
Roxas sniffed and strutted back out to the customers, leaving Axel cold and lonely against the wall.
"...and now, we play the hit that's sweeping the country!" the radio announced. "Pop sensation Dem-Dem's cover of 'My Heart Will Go On (After I Fish It Out Of The Atlantic Ocean)'! Ha ha ha, whatever the Atlantic is!"
Axel blinked. "Dem-Dem...?" he said, the name tainting his tongue with its stupid.
Only one person could possibly name themselves that. While Axel was glad that Demyx actually managed to make money--he wouldn't have to hear about how the Popular Audience didn't Appreciate his work--he was vaguely insulted by the fact that he was able to finish before Axel did.
"Hmph," Axel grumbled, sulking out into the café area once more. "Guess there's no accounting for taste, especially with stupid overplayed pop--MFGLE."
"Our special this afternoon is French onion soup, mister," Roxas breathed. He straddled the male customer's lap more comfortably and batted his eyelashes innocently. "Can I take your...order?"
The man gave a perverted grin and slid his hand up Roxas' leg, fingers lightly brushing the soft lace of the garters. His spontaneous and firey combustion was not entirely unexpected. In any case, the other customers seemed to be too preoccupied with their food to notice, and the fire made very neat work of the body. Roxas slanted a look at Axel and dusted the ash off his skirt.
"You said flash some leg," he noted.
Axel seized his arm and dragged him back in the direction of the backroom. "I was trying to get you to flash me some leg! I don't want you flashing some dirty old man your gams--"
Axel felt the look on the back of his head and heaved a sigh. "And yes, I realize the irony in that statement, Roxas," said the proverbial pot. "Still, we're honest businessmen, so we gotta--"
They were interrupted by sudden shrieks from the crowd of customers. A young teenage girl leapt to her feet and pointed excitedly.
"It's D-Squared!" she squealed.
The shrieks became deafening. Demyx waved to the crowds, grinning stupidly while his bodyguards cleared the way to the café. He spotted Axel and Roxas and dashed up to them eagerly.
"Hey, guys!" He wiped his forehead with a monogrammed hankie, which he tucked into his tiny, iron-blue lace micro-miniskirt. "Wheeeew, are tours tiring..."
Axel's jaw nearly came off its hinge. "Where the hell did you get that outfit?"
Demyx smoothed the frills that cascaded down his chest to peek open at his navel and wrap around one hip. "My fairy god-aunties! Y'see, there was this loud one who was really scary, and this one in black leather who was really really scary, and this other one in a skimpy top who was only a little scary, and--"
"Uh-huh," Axel interrupted. "Fast-forward, D-Squared."
"...oh. Eheh. They helped me achieve my dream of being a pop idol! I've been doing tours for the last few hours, and man I'm beat...do you guys have milkshakes?"
Roxas stepped forward to try and work his leg magic and was promptly halted by Axel's hand firmly clenched to his elbow.
"Yeah. Sure. You're still payin' full price, tho--" A lightbulb. Axel grinned. "...unleeeeessss..."
Demyx blinked. Axel slung an arm about his shoulders.
"You bring in more customers, and I let you have all the milkshakes you want."
Demyx squealed like a five-year-old. "Really?!"
Roxas huffed, irritated. "What about my ice cream?"
Axel swatted his rear. "You've gotta earn that from me, kiddo. Let's go into the backroom to mix up those milkshakes while Dem-Dem brings in the customers."
Both Roxas and Demyx made faces.
"That was an awful pun, Axel," Demyx said.
"Pfft, whatever." Axel picked up Roxas by the scruff and carried him to the backroom. "We're going to have sex and maybe make milkshakes during it while you sing. Have fun!"
"How could we have only gotten in fifth place overall?" moaned Axel.
Roxas shoved him aside in his way up to the message board and peered at the standings. Number one, survey says...
"I suppose because people really, really like lemonade." He skimmed down to ranking two. "That and porn..."
Demyx stumbled into the room and collapsed into a chair in an exhausted heap. Axel glared at him sullenly.
"Whassamatter, D-Squared, on break from tours?"
Demyx waved a tired, dismissive hand. "I just got back from my VH1 'Behind The Music' special, where I announced my retirement. Popular entertainment is tiring..."
"Well, isn't that nice," Axel drawled. "I feel like we've all learned something from this experience."
"Leaves of three, let it be," Larxene replied. She smoothed calamine lotion over her hands and face, grumbling angrily.
"A life without beautiful locks is not one worth living," Marluxia whispered, tragic and dramatic. His sparklies buzzed about him, attempting to soothe their master's shattered lack-of-soul.
"In a volatile market, the only stable investment is porn!" Xigbar declared.
"...people like lemonade?" Xaldin offered.
"Never play fairly against Jack Sparrow," Luxord grumbled.
"Lace itches," Roxas added.
"The pleasures of pop idoldom are but fleeting," sighed Demyx. He tossed the Songstress dressphere up once, twice in his hand. "Think I could sell this on the internet?"
Axel shrugged. "I guess." He looked around, expectantly. "...where's Saix? And I haven't seen Lexaeus, Vexen, or Zexion since the message was posted."
"I bet Saix is listening to the Superior's twentieth volume by now," Demyx said. "I think Lexaeus and the others went on a university lecture circuit on saving the whales. Or something about hearts. Maybe both."
"Okaaaay. I have a craving for milkshakes, so that means we can steal Zexion's stash of triple chocolate ice cream. To the kitchens!"
Sora studied himself in the mirror, frowning. "Riku?"
Riku flipped through a magazine lazily. "Hmm?"
"D'ya think I'd look good in a French maid outfit?"
Riku's eyes glazed over at the thought. "...mfgle," he said, agreeably.
I finished Clover a few weeks ago, and have been looking for fics ever since. The conclusion of this venture: TWO GOOD FICS IS NOT A DECENT FIND, PEOPLE. Why do I always pick the series with the lack of goodfic... *emos*
I need to start getting things put together for Otakon. X3 Speaking of which,
ATTN: everyone staying with my and absentaserpis's group at Otakon!
I need the following peoples' emails:
Aunna (???) <-- Andrea, you're probably going to have to handle this one. X3
Either throw them up here, poke me on AIM, or send it to my gmail account--whichever is quicker, considering I have Informational Emails to send. Anyone else on Ye Olde Flist going to Otakon? You'll probably find me buried waist-deep in doujinshi near the Yaoi Booth...that is, if I can find any KH doujinshi. BLAST YOU DISNEYJAPAN.